The Official Fanfic University of Stargate
by Shemyaza1
Summary: The Official Fanfiction University of Stargate - Ficcers can either improve their fic skills or be forever tortured by the System Lords and not allowed to write fics ever again!
1. Down the rabbit hole

Disclaimer 1: I do not own the Stargate universe or any of the inhabitants therein. They are the property of MGM/Gekko Productions.  
  
Disclaimer 2: Camilla Sandman thought up the idea of Fanfiction universities when she created OFUM, the Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth. It's a 'must-read'. Please do read it. Many thanks to Miss Cam for giving me the go-ahead to start OFUS  
  
Note 1: Thanks to all those on the Our Stargate, Gateworld and Ascifi forums for their invaluable input. Thanks also to Miss H and the inhabitants of OBAFU for the inspirational ideas and ideas for the course catalogue. I have tried not to plagiarise, but some things in fanfic writers' domains are universal and there are bound to be overlaps. Thanks to Annette for allowing herself to be volunteered for a staff position and last but not least, a massive thanks to Camilla Sandman for her permission to use the idea.  
  
Note 2: If you by any chance discover that I have used your preferred handle and you do object, please let me know and I'll correct this immediately. The chances of making up a name that actually exists are probably very high, and there's no doubt that at some stage I'll make up one belonging to someone real. It's not intentional and I have no wish to cause offence or appear to be targeting anyone.  
  
Part One: Down the rabbit-hole  
  
The night sky was beginning to lighten considerably by the time Mattie leant back in her chair. She gazed with satisfaction at her most recent work and, all things considered, her best. Or so she felt.  
  
The story line she had devised had never been more action filled, angst- ridden and poignant for her favourite TV team from Stargate SG1. She had wrung as much emotional impact out of it as she could within the limits of the story arc and what she considered to be 'canon' information. It did have a little bit of 'ship' in it, but she didn't really consider herself to be a blatant shipper. Unlike many of the fans of the show, she didn't see the evidence of a rampant love affair between Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter, although there certainly was potential in that situation. Sometimes just alluding to it in the plot itself was sufficient to carry on the notion that sometime, way in the future, this wonderfully attractive and charismatic couple may just, somehow, get together. Not to mention have heaps of babies who would all grow up and join the Stargate Programme.  
  
She heaved a huge sigh at the blissful thought.  
  
Of course, no way would she ever suggest that they should do so and flout Air Force regulations while they were still on the same team. Still, a kiss here and a touch of a hand or a glance there, what was so terrible about that? In any case, she comforted herself, she had given plenty of page space and dialogue to both Teal'c and Daniel. Who were, without a doubt both pretty cute in very different ways.  
  
She sighed again.  
  
It was certainly a shame about Jonas though, he was pretty cute too, and he ate bananas in the sexiest way she had ever seen. It was probably best not to dwell on the tight tee shirts either. It would have been nice to put him in the story somewhere, so he could get paired up with Dr Frasier perhaps. Another time maybe? Perhaps a fanfic devoted to Jonas going back home? Hmm, was this another plot bunny rearing its floppy-eared head?  
  
She chortled to herself as she recalled the scene and the conversation that had taken place between Jack and Ba'al the Goa'uld System Lord in her fic. Jack had certainly got his own back on that evil Ba'al, she thought grinning smugly. That'll teach that nasty snakehead to torture poor Jack. Of course Colonel O'Neill had been at his wisecracking best in that scene, and all Ba'al could do was threaten to torture and kill him again. This time, after escaping Ba'al and his gravity chambers by the skin of their teeth, SG1 had managed to level the whole of Ba'al's stronghold without the help of Lord Yu. In the process they had killed a few thousand Jaffa off by planting plenty of claymores and using their P90's to good effect as well.  
  
She frowned a little when she considered this, perhaps she should look up on the net and check what a claymore actually was. It was some kind of bomb, right? Well, whatever they were, Sam was always getting sent to plant them somewhere and they always killed off millions of the enemy so who cared?  
  
Ah, another fine evening's work. She would upload the fic in the morning to Heliopolis, Gateworld and Fanfiction.net and wait for the feedback to come flooding in. She was really too tired to do it tonight. Or rather this morning!  
  
She stretched her arms up above her head and linked her fingers. As she did so, the muscles and sinews cracked painfully along her spine, which wasn't surprising considering the length of time she'd sat hunched in one position, frantically writing the story before the plot bunny escaped down a rabbit hole. Or a wormhole, she chuckled. She closed her eyes and gave a jaw-cracking yawn. Time for bed. Standing up straight might be a problem here though.  
  
Whoa, she thought as she swayed sideways on the chair, I must be more tired than I think. I'm never going to manage to get up for work in the morning. She opened her eyes and the dizziness assailed her again. Getting up proved to be difficult since the floor appeared to be rocking under her feet, but she managed by gripping the computer desk and hauling herself upright. What on earth was wrong with her?  
  
The room had inexplicably darkened somewhat, despite the strong light from the desk lamp and the growing light from the dawn streaked sky. Worse, there were flickers of bright lights, similar to looking through a kaleidoscope, all around the periphery of her vision. Surely this wasn't a migraine? She never suffered from migraines.  
  
"Oh this is bad." She gasped, feeling rather nauseous. "This is very bad."  
  
The solidity of the desk evaporated under her hand and she felt as though she was staggering drunkenly. However, just as she thought she might literally pass out, the sensation stopped and the impetus from the sudden halt propelled her forward. She stumbled a few steps and then doubled up, trying not to retch.  
  
"Easy airman." Said a brusque voice to her left and she felt a firm hand grip her arm to steady her. "The first time is always the worst. You'll get used to it."  
  
Mattie tried desperately to make her mind think in straight rational lines. Used to what? Airman? The dizziness and nausea were clearing somewhat, but she felt chilled to the bone. Was she dreaming? Had she actually dreamt the voice?  
  
Don't so stupid Mattie, she told herself firmly, shutting her eyes tightly. This is just a dream. You fell asleep at your computer and you need to wake up and go to bed. Now, wake up my girl!  
  
She waited for a moment and then opened her eyes again.  
  
No, she was still staring at the floor. Not her floor, which was carpeted in a rather nice shade of green, but a cement floor, and was that a black leather boot she could see to one side of her?  
  
She allowed her eyes to slide a bit further to the left. Yes, it was definitely a boot. Her gaze lifted reluctantly a few inches higher and she discovered that the black leather boot was firmly attached to a green-clad ankle.  
  
"What's the hold up Sergeant?" Said a horribly familiar voice. "These students are supposed to go straight through to the Alpha site to be processed after they've arrived here from the incoming wormhole. We can't have hordes of students collapsing all over the ramp like this blocking the gate! Do we need to alert Sickbay?"  
  
"Sorry Sir! I don't think she's sick sir, just feeling lousy from the wormhole travel. It is her first time after all." Responded the brusque voice.  
  
"Very well, but get her through as soon as she's feeling better. Registration is our busiest time. Processing the students and getting them settled is our first concern."  
  
"Yes Sir!"  
  
The sound of footsteps slowly disappeared as the owner of the familiar voice strode briskly away.  
  
I am asleep, I am asleep, Mattie muttered frantically to herself. That simply couldn't be who she thought it was. It just couldn't! And what the heck was all that about students and registration? For crying out loud, she hadn't been a student for a good few years. This is just a weird, spaced out dream. That'll teach me to sit writing until the wee small hours drinking endless cups of coffee. How does Daniel do that, she wondered.  
  
"Do you think you can straighten up Airman?" A hand gripped her shoulder firmly and began to draw her upwards into a standing position.  
  
Mattie very reluctantly allowed herself to be straightened up slowly. Her gaze travelled up and it went from the boots, up the green BDU-clad leg and torso, until it finally rested on a most familiar face. Now a vague feeling of alarm was nibbling at the back of her mind.  
  
"Siler?" She stuttered in utter disbelief. "Sergeant Siler?"  
  
He patted her shoulder awkwardly.  
  
"I was last time I looked. Feeling better?"  
  
She blinked a number of times in a vain effort to clear her vision. I am asleep, I am asleep, she muttered under her breath.  
  
"Better? I suppose so." She replied most untruthfully. In reality she felt like sheer hell. "But since I'm actually asleep, I guess it doesn't matter does it?"  
  
She put on her brightest smile. After all, if she was going to dream so vividly about her favourite show, she might as well make a good second impression in her dreams at least. The first impression had quite patently sucked.  
  
Siler's face lightened up and he grinned back at her.  
  
"That's great, now just another short journey through the gate and you'll be at the Alpha Site. They'll process you in no time and you'll be settled for the duration."  
  
He began to push her up the ramp. Mattie turned to him, her face had paled and her eyes were wide with apprehension and confusion.  
  
"Gate? Alpha Site? Duration?" She demanded. She was completely bewildered and the little niggling feeling of alarm had magnified a thousandfold by this time. "I don't understand. Where am I going?"  
  
"Up there and through the gate again." Siler pointed up the ramp and her eyes followed his finger.  
  
Her mouth dropped open. In front of her the centre of a huge metal ring with chevrons, a device that looked monstrously familiar, shimmered deep and blue awaiting its next traveller.  
  
The panic that had been simmering away in the background rushed up to the surface in full force. She immediately dug her heels into the ramp and leant backwards pushing hard, despite Siler's hand pushing equally as hard to propel her forwards. For a minute they rocked backwards and forwards in a hilarious parody of a dance. Mattie managed to get a purchase on the handrail and clung on for grim death.  
  
"Oh no, no." She said firmly. "I'm not going in there. I don't have to."  
  
"Yes you do." Said Siler, prising her fingers off the rail one by one as gently as he could.  
  
"No, I don't." She said desperately struggling to regain her death grip on her only solid support. "This is my dream and I say where I go, and I am going to wake up. Now!"  
  
"Whatever you say!" Said Siler, finally wrenching the last finger off the rail.  
  
Before she could grab hold again, he hustled her the rest of the way up the ramp and through the shimmering blue of the wormhole event horizon. 


	2. Where’s that yellow brick road when you ...

Part Two: Where's that yellow brick road when you really need it Dorothy?  
  
"Oof. Ouch. For cryin' out loud."  
  
Mattie tumbled out of the gate on the other side of the wormhole and landed in an untidy heap at the bottom of the stone steps.  
  
"Was that a 'gratuitous Colonel O'Neill quote'?" A voice demanded in a rather querulous tone.  
  
Mattie looked up to see the System Lord Morrigan standing in front of her, hands on hips. She wore a black feather trimmed basque, tight black trousers and thigh length boots. The whole seductive nine yards. She was accompanied by what appeared to be a tiny version of Colonel O'Neill, but with large ears and two distinct horns poking through his baseball cap. He was carrying a clipboard and had a stubby, well-chewed pencil stuck behind one large ear.  
  
Mattie blinked a number of times, held her head and groaned. This was just too much, even if it was a dream.  
  
"O'Neil with one L, make a note of this. It should be added to this human's fanfic crime list". Morrigan commanded imperiously.  
  
"You got it Lady M." O'Neil with one L piped enthusiastically. He pulled the pencil from behind his ear, licked the tip and started scribbling.  
  
"What?" Exclaimed Mattie. She jumped up and started to brush the dust off her jeans. "No! Wait a minute. That wasn't a.a what you said. My dad always used to say it when I was a kid. Mom said it was his way of avoiding swearing in front of us."  
  
Morrigan eyed her suspiciously. "Hmm, sounds like a blatant human lie to me, but since you have just arrived here, we will give you the benefit of the doubt. This time. However, one more even slightly 'gratuitous Colonel O'Neill quote' and it will go badly for you. We will show no mercy. You will suffer greatly!"  
  
Her eyes glowed and her voice began to rise. Mattie stared in horrified disbelief as Morrigan prepared to go into full System Lord mode. It was only O'Neil with one L tugging at her sleeve that stopped her dead.  
  
"What IS it?" She hissed. "And what have I told you about touching me without permission? You'll crush the feathers. And don't call me Lady M. Your Glory will suffice. Rather fitting for a Goddess don't you think?"  
  
She arched her neck and preened.  
  
"Oh give me strength." Said O'Neil with one L. "For a start, we're not allowed to torture the new students. At least not until they've registered and gone through kitting out and basic training. Then you know as well as I do that it's up to Ba'al as to how much torture gets meted out, what it'll be and who does it. It's always either him or Terak anyway. You already gave her the benefit of the doubt and you're supposed to greet her, not scare her to death. That's Ra's job."  
  
"But I'm a Goa'uld System Lord. That's what I do." Said Morrigan in a plaintive voice.  
  
"Oh for cryin, I mean, for heaven's sake!" O'Neil with an L corrected himself quickly. "You've been at the fanfics again haven't you? You know Miss S and her rules about staff reading the stories on the internet. She'll take your slave privileges away again."  
  
"Oh very well." Said Morrigan crossly. "Give me the forms."  
  
O'Neil with an L immediately produced some forms from his jacket pocket and handed them to her. Morrigan in turn handed them to Mattie with a flourish.  
  
"Fill these out, read the information, sign the disclaimer and then go to the registration tent and they will process you."  
  
Mattie stared at the forms in complete disbelief. They seemed to be some sort of medical form, a personal details form, a list of items and something which was a disclaimer of some kind. She opened her mouth to protest, but before she could utter a word, she was interrupted.  
  
"OH FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD! Holy Hannah, what is this flubbing crap?" Bellowed a voice. A body shot down the steps from the gate and lay groaning miserably at the bottom.  
  
Morrigan's eyes glowed again. She straightened her shoulders, fluffed out the black feathers on her outfit and headed in the direction of the unwitting 'gratuitous Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter quote' offender with an evil smile on her face. She didn't often get a double gratuitous quote offender. Things were beginning to look up. O'Neil with one L started after her, but stopped when Mattie put her hand on his shoulder.  
  
"What now?" He asked in a slightly irritable tone.  
  
"Er. Pen? I haven't got a pen, to fill these out and then where do I go again?"  
  
She felt a little helpless in the face of all these bizarre happenings, but since she was actually asleep, there seemed no harm in going along with it. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, she thought, mentally shrugging her shoulders.  
  
O'Neil with one L sighed heavily and reached into another pocket. He handed her an even worse version of the chewed off pencil he was using.  
  
"You just make sure I get that back Airman!" He said, his little fingers stabbing somewhere in the region of her knees. "US Air Force Issue. I have to account for these at the end of the month. Paperwork, I hate paperwork. First tent on the left is where you go when you've filled them in. As you were Airman."  
  
With that, he scuttled off to where Morrigan was busy berating a confused looking girl of about twenty, who had a shock of unruly red hair and a pierced nose. She was dressed in black grunge style clothing.  
  
Mattie looked around to see if there was something that she could rest on to fill out the forms. A short distance away, a group of three people were sat around a flat rock, which looked suspiciously like an altar of some description. They were laboriously filling out forms, all using stubby pencils of various lengths and decrepitude. One of them, a very young girl of about fourteen, was writing with her tongue sticking out, concentrating fiercely. Mattie approached them warily.  
  
"Do you have room for one more down there?" She asked tentatively.  
  
"Oh sure thing!" Said an older grey-haired woman cheerfully. She had a tee shirt on with Martouf 4 Ever on the back and Save Martouf emblazoned across the front. "I'm Martouf's Love Slave. What did they get you for?"  
  
Mattie looked confused. "Get me? What do you mean?"  
  
Martouf's Love Slave grinned and pointed at the sheaf of forms Mattie was holding.  
  
"Your list of fanfic crimes. With the forms. It tells you what you did to get sent here! Mine are bad punctuation and spelling, unrealistic character portrayal, misspelling of character names, blatant Sam and Martouf shipping and failure to produce a realistic and believable Goa'uld enemy, among others."  
  
Mattie looked at the forms and frowned. "I see. Ah, here it is. My list says unrealistic characterisation, lengthy infodump introductory paragraphs, inappropriate pairings, unrealistic and unreasonable enemy construction and mild Sam and Jack shipping. Oh, and also physical impossibilities, but not sexual, whatever that means."  
  
A young woman with long dark hair and glasses looked up from filling out her forms.  
  
"It means that you don't make them do things sexually that only a contortionist could do, but that you do make them do things like carry an injured person when they have a broken leg." She said helpfully. "My name is Daniellzgurl. Daniel whumping, Daniel and Jack comforting, over-use of the nickname 'Space-Monkey', inappropriate pairings and complete lack of realistic characterisation of all characters except Daniel, of course, who is wonderful. TWTID." Her eyes started to glaze over and a puddle of drool collected at one corner of her mouth. Martouf's Love Slave rolled her eyes and poked her in the arm. She jerked into the present. "Oops, sorry about that. I sort of drool a lot when Daniel is mentioned."  
  
She held out her hand to Mattie who took it.  
  
"How are you doing?" She said politely. "I'm Mattie."  
  
Martouf's Love Slave immediately bristled.  
  
"That's not Mattie meaning Martouf is it?" She demanded suspiciously. Daniellzgurl chuckled and shook her head.  
  
"No of course not!" Protested Mattie, flushing. "It's my actual name. Mattie, short for Matilda, but I hate that name. So Mattie it is."  
  
Her voice trailed off uncomfortably. So, there were insane people in her dream. Great. Just what she needed. A dream filled with System Lords, midget Jack O'Neills with horns and insane fans.  
  
"Give it a rest Marty! You're probably going to meet a few rivals for Martouf here. No sense in getting bent out of shape every time you meet one." Said Daniellzgurl who was still laughing. "Take a pew Mattie and fill out your forms. Looks like the queue in the registration tent is thinning. We can all go in together."  
  
Mattie grinned and sat down cross-legged in front of the stone slab. She spent the next ten minutes filling out medical information, including a part which asked her what her preferences were if she died during the course. She could be healed by the Tok'ra with a healing device, sent to Sickbay for Dr Frasier to deal with, sent to the Nox or put in a sarcophagus. She decided to opt for the Nox. The healing device didn't seem to work much with Daniel in Meridian and the Goa'uld were a big negative for her. Dr Frasier definitely wasn't an option. Too much hit and miss experimental medicine, not to mention shots. Mattie hated shots with a vengeance.  
  
"Er. Course. What do they mean, course?" She asked.  
  
Marty chuckled. "Didn't Morrigan tell you? This is the registration area for the Official Fanfic University for Stargate fanfic writers or OFUS. It's kind of like a boot camp cum university. We have to pass the course or never, ever write another Stargate fanfic as long as we live. It's all there on the back of the declaration anyway. We're here because we've all committed crimes against fanfic writing."  
  
Mattie shuffled through the forms.  
  
"Yeah, you're right, here it is. Thanks. Oh my god." She said, after she had read the blurb. "This is just screwy!"  
  
"Is there room for a little one down there?" The red headed girl had escaped Morrigan and O'Neil with one L and was headed their way with her forms clutched in her hand.  
  
"Of course." Mattie grinned up at her and shuffled around to make a space. "I'm Mattie."  
  
"Hi." Said the girl brightly. "My name's ColonelSam."  
  
"A Major Carter fan I take it?" Queried Daniellzgurl. "Chloe over there is a Sam fan too. Major shipper, not to mention a 'Samantha Carter as real life role model' perpetrator, major homonym use, gratuitous textspeak instead of proper English and complete lack of punctuation or paragraphs. Isn't that right Chloe? I'm Daniellzgurl and that's Martouf's Love Slave over there."  
  
Chloe blushed furiously. She had a halo of short blonde curls and very blue eyes. Mattie hazarded a guess that it was meant to be a Sam Carter look that had gone slightly awry.  
  
"Ooh yes." Cooed Chloe in a soft dreamy voice. "Sam is so wonderful. She's so clever and so beautiful. I'd love to be just like her."  
  
"Oh crud." Groaned Marty making a barfing motion. "Someone gag her, she's off again. Once she starts she can't shut up."  
  
"Aw leave her alone." Said ColonelSam protectively. She winked at Chloe who giggled. "There's nothing wrong with a kid seeking a role model and she could do a lot worse than Samantha Carter. I like Carter because she's gorgeous and sexy as well as strong and tough. She fights like a man and knows everything about wormhole physics. She's a better role model than dumb and dumber Jack."  
  
Mattie's head reared up defensively. "Jack's not dumb and dumber. He just uses humour to make situations easier. He was the one who had the knowledge of the Ancients dumped into his brain, not Sam, and anyway, the Asgard said he was the next step on the evolutionary ladder!"  
  
They all stared at her in amusement.  
  
"So, no guesses as to which character you like then?" Asked Marty slyly.  
  
Mattie blushed to the roots of her hair and bent over the forms. The declaration was quite simply stating that they would abide by the regulations of OFUS and should they fail the course, would promise, on pain of death and torture by Ba'al, Terak and/or any of the other System Lord Teaching Staff so instructed to carry out the sentence, that they would never venture to write another piece of Stargate fanfiction. Not even a filk, crossover or a drabble. So exactly how were they going to stop her? Thought Mattie sarcastically as she signed the declaration with a fine flourish. They'd have to catch her first and in any case, they were all just dream characters. She was going to wake up very soon.  
  
A small Daniel with horns and big ears just like O'Neil with one L scurried over to them. He wore a huge badge in the shape of a pink heart with Cupid's arrow through it. On the badge his name read as 'Danyell'. Instead of a baseball cap, he wore a bandanna and the horns just peeked coyly at the edge of it. He pushed his glasses up his nose and glared at them in indignation.  
  
"Not on the artefacts." He squeaked. "How many times do I have to tell Morrigan and O'Neil with one L not to let you students rest on the artefacts to fill your forms out? Shoo, shoo. There's a table over there, use that."  
  
The group got to their feet and Danyell immediately hunkered down making soothing noises at the slab as though it was alive. He pulled out a soft brush and started to brush carefully and tenderly at the surface of the slab.  
  
Mattie looked at Marty and Daniellzgurl who shrugged.  
  
"I dunno what they are." Said Daniellzgurl. "I think they may be linked to misspelling of character names. Somebody must have decided that Danyell was the right spelling or something. He's kinda cute though. Midget Daniels."  
  
Her voice trailed off and her eyes glazed over again.  
  
Marty slapped her on the arm. "For heaven's sake get a bloody grip Daniellzgurl. Have we all finished with the forms? The registration tent is empty now."  
  
ColonelSam frantically scribbled the information down on her forms using Mattie's back to rest on.  
  
"Nearly finished." She muttered. "Frelling things."  
  
"Isn't that Farscape slang?" Asked Mattie curiously.  
  
"Yeah, but one of my fanfic crimes is inappropriate use of character swearing. I'm finding it hard to get my tongue around anything stronger than frelling for some reason. It's very frustrating. Must be this fraggling place."  
  
Mattie smothered a giggle. "Sounds very funny."  
  
"Oh yeah. That's me. A flobbing laugh a minute." Said ColonelSam dryly. She signed the declaration form. "Finished, now let's go and see what's in store for us at registration."  
  
They all headed towards the registration tent. 


	3. Registration or Kneel before your God!

Part Three: Registration or Kneel before your God!  
  
As the little group approached the registration tent, a downhearted looking figure trailed through the tent flap. Mattie realised that this was the first male fanfic writer they'd seen so far.  
  
He stopped when he saw Mattie and the rest of them and jerked his head back towards the tent.  
  
"Going in there?"  
  
They all nodded in unison.  
  
"Best of British luck then. They crucified me. I'm damaged. I might never be able to dredge another fic about the possible uses of naquadria using Major Carter as my primary character from my imagination." He wiped his hand across his eyes in a very dramatic gesture and then glared accusingly at the five women. "And everyone knows that Carter has special knowledge from her blending with Jolinar. EVERYONE!"  
  
He staggered off in the direction of a building which now had a queue forming outside the door.  
  
"Technophobe?" Asked ColonelSam.  
  
"And a 'Major Carter the astrophysicist' fan with a touch of the Jolinar syndrome." Chuckled Marty. "I bet his fics read like technical manuals and Carter is about as sexy as a split atom in them."  
  
"Reckon I can spot a bit of Marty Stu in him as well." Said ColonelSam.  
  
"Marty Stu?" Asked Mattie. She was beginning to tremble a little now. This all just seemed too real for comfort somehow.  
  
"Male version of a Mary Sue. I'd bet my bottom dollar that he makes himself into the scientist type who helps Carter do something with the naquadria."  
  
They hovered outside the tent flap. From inside they could hear the murmur of voices. Mattie ventured a peek inside and then withdrew her head abruptly.  
  
"Oh my god. I am not going in there. No way, not now, not ever in fact."  
  
The others stared at her.  
  
"Why?" Queried ColonelSam. "Who's in there for blurbing heck's sake?"  
  
"System Lords." Mattie blurted out.  
  
"Really?" Said Marty. "Which ones did you see?"  
  
Mattie shuddered. "Apophis, Yu, Ra, Hathor and Heru Ur. I think Cronus might be in there too."  
  
"Apophis?" Cooed Chloe. "Oh he is so darn cute, I just love the way he puts his make up on."  
  
Daniellzgurl turned to Marty. "Is she for real?"  
  
"I'm afraid she probably is." Said Marty in an apologetic tone. "So who's going to go in first?"  
  
Before anyone could say anything at all, a tiny version of Cronus, complete with big ears and horns appeared in the opening. He stood there in his tiny Greek tunic and fur cloak, holding a clipboard and tapping his exquisitely booted foot. Incongruously, he also had a pencil stuck behind his ear, just like O'Neil with one L, except that his pencil was sticking through his long hair. He also had a badge pinned to the front of his tunic, just like the midget Danyell, only his wasn't a heart with a Cupid's arrow, it was ornate with a Greek key border in gold leaf and said 'KRONOS' in huge black letters.  
  
He looked Mattie up and down. "Name?"  
  
"Er. Mattie. My name is Mattie Hollingworth." Said Mattie, swallowing nervously.  
  
Kronos took out his pencil and consulted his clipboard. A terrible smile split his face.  
  
"Aha. Unrealistic and unreasonable enemy construction eh? Oh they are going to just love you in there. Follow me."  
  
He disappeared through the tent flap and Mattie turned to face the rest of the group.  
  
"NOW HUMAN!" Bellowed the little Kronos in an astonishingly loud voice, given his size.  
  
"Good luck." The group all chorused in Mattie's direction.  
  
Mattie shuffled reluctantly through the tent flap and froze as six pairs of glowing eyes turned her way and fixed her with a steely glare. Her knees started to wobble.  
  
"Who wishes to begin?" Enquired Ra, leering evilly at Mattie.  
  
"We are the wife of Ra and a breeding queen." Said Hathor haughtily. "We should be the one to start this."  
  
Cronus sighed. "You did it last time. In fact you say that every time. It is definitely wearing a little thin now. Anyway.." He looked down the list in front of him. "This student hasn't ever written anything about you, so I don't see why you should start."  
  
"Do not squabble!" Said Ra in a smooth and deadly tone. "Which System Lords has she written about?"  
  
They all immediately consulted their lists, then they went into a huddle. Mattie strained to hear what they were saying, but to no avail. They were talking in Goa'uld and she'd never bothered to even access the WebPages with Goa'uld dictionary sections. Now she wished she had. At one stage Apophis popped his head up and stared hard at her. She blushed and tried a small smile, but he simply went back into the huddle again. Finally they broke away and faced her.  
  
"So." Said Ra. "It seems that your portrayal of the Goa'uld is so sketchy and ludicrous, that we cannot actually ascertain who it is you've tried to write about. Therefore we are all going to conduct the registration interview. Do you have your papers?"  
  
Mattie silently handed her forms over to Kronos who then took them to Ra. He flicked through them.  
  
"What is your excuse for this pathetic portrayal of our illustrious species?" He said in a silky voice.  
  
Mattie flushed to the roots of her hair.  
  
"I didn't. I mean, I never thought. I didn't think it mattered." She stammered. "I mean, the scriptwriters don't bother doing anything with you either."  
  
Cronus leant back in his chair and raised his eyebrows. "So you just thought you'd compound the omission and marginalise us even further?"  
  
"Er, well, yes. It's the team, they're the important ones not you." She blurted out before she could stop herself. "It's all about them."  
  
Even as she said it, she found herself acknowledging that without the actual enemy, the team would have nothing to fight against and would never have existed in the first place. She hung her head.  
  
"Well I for one resent being turned into a one dimensional puppet." Snarled Heru Ur. The others grunted in agreement. "There is more to me than just demanding that people kneel before me to worship me. I have feelings."  
  
They all grunted agreement again.  
  
"I'm terribly sorry." Whispered Mattie miserably. "I didn't mean to offend anyone, I just wanted to write fanfics about the team. I never thought that I might be hurting anyone."  
  
"Oh puhleeese." Sneered Cronus. "You knew fine well what you were doing when you wrote us in such a hazy fashion. You just could not be bothered to come up with a better portrayal. You were too busy making Sam and Jack hold hands and gaze at each other across rooms. I could make allowances for the writers who write specifically about us and get it totally wrong, but you could not even be bothered to do that. You just skated around the subject. You do not even give the Goa'uld in your fics names. Do you have any idea what lack of identity can do to a character?"  
  
Mattie shook her head.  
  
"No." She whispered.  
  
"The damned scriptwriters kill us off!" Roared Cronus. "That is what happens. We are expendable. I do not like being expendable. How would you feel if someone killed you off because they thought you were expendable?"  
  
"I don't know." She whispered. "It would probably be horrible."  
  
"Are we going to get Ba'al to torture her for her crimes?" Asked Hathor eagerly. "We do so enjoy a really thorough torture session."  
  
Mattie's heart sank into her shoes. This had definitely ceased being just a weird and slightly amusing dream and was rapidly taking on the proportions of a nightmare. She tried to remember what the information on the forms had said about torture, but all she could recall was that she had picked the Nox for resurrection should she die during the course. Then there was the torture thing to do with writing a fanfic after being banned, but was that the only reference?  
  
"I do not think that will be necessary just yet, although of course it is definitely an option." Said Yu, baring his teeth at Mattie in a smile which was possibly meant to reassure, but which actually had the opposite effect on her. "She will have to do Torture 101 in any case as part of her remedial classes, one of which is "The One Dimensional Enemy 101: How to construct enemies that don't suck": I am lecturing on those courses along with Cronus, Baal, Anubis and Osiris."  
  
"And why were we not invited to lecture on these subjects?"  
  
Hathor leapt to her feet and rattled the table. Goblets and plates crashed over, spilling their contents over the assembled System Lord registration panel. Cronus and Apophis jumped up cursing as their pristine outfits were splashed with a purple coloured liquid. Heru Ur and Yu tried to rescue some of the goblets.  
  
"In the name of everything sacred in this universe including me, would you please sit down Hathor?" Said Ra in a bored tone. "You are making a terrible mess."  
  
"You have ruined my cloak." Yelled Cronus frantically dabbing at the now purple spotted fur. Mattie let out a little snigger but smothered it quickly as Cronus' basilisk gaze settled on her.  
  
"You are nothing but a tart Cronus." Snapped Hathor immediately.  
  
Cronus looked completely bewildered at the 'tart' reference and Heru Ur buried his face in his hands.  
  
"Oh here we go." He groaned. "Mother, you really have to stop reading those British fanfics. Cronus has no idea what you are talking about."  
  
Cronus drew himself up to his full height.  
  
"I know what a tart is!" He said haughtily. "It is."  
  
He turned to Yu and said in a stage whisper: "What is it?"  
  
Now it was Yu's turn to look bewildered.  
  
"I do not know." He whispered back. "I always thought it was something you ate, but I could be wrong."  
  
"ENOUGH WITH THE TARTS!" Roared Ra in exasperation.  
  
Mattie nearly jumped out of her skin and everyone else sank back in their seats, Cronus grumbling to himself. Kronos peeked around the corner to see what the commotion was about.  
  
"You screamed my Lord?" He asked politely.  
  
Ra shuffled Mattie's papers together and thrust them at Kronos.  
  
"Get this. this human out of here and bring the next victim, er, student in."  
  
Kronos bowed his head. "As you command my Lord."  
  
He immediately hustled Mattie away, but she stopped dead and refused to move.  
  
"Oh now what?" Asked Ra in that bored tone.  
  
"My registration. I mean, am I registered now or what?" Asked Mattie nervously. The tears were starting to well up in her eyes. "I'd really like to wake up now if it's okay with everyone."  
  
Ra frowned and looked around the table at the other System Lords.  
  
"Wake up? Do any of you have any idea what she's snivelling about?"  
  
Five heads shook in unison. Ra turned to Mattie.  
  
"I do not know anything about you waking up, you look quite awake to me, more's the pity, but this is certainly the registration panel. I have told you to go, therefore consider yourself registered. Kronos will do whatever else is necessary."  
  
He then turned away to his colleagues and they all started to talk and squabble among themselves, leaving Mattie to be led away by Kronos, who clucked and shook his head disapprovingly.  
  
"Not good." He muttered. "All that arguing and speaking out of turn with the System Lords. It's not good at all. All it'll do is put a black mark on your record."  
  
He led her out of a tent flap on the opposite side to where she entered. A Jaffa warrior stood there with a suitably stoic expression on his face. Mattie's mouth dropped open again. This was the first Jaffa she had seen.  
  
Kronos looked at her quizzically.  
  
"You know, you really should do something about the mouth dropping open thing." He said not unkindly. "It makes you look like a complete moron."  
  
Mattie shut her mouth immediately. Whereupon he brought out a rubber stamp and an ink pad from behind his back, lifted her hand and stamped the back with a number - 546.  
  
"What's the number for?" She asked numbly.  
  
Kronos handed her an information pack and started to read off his clipboard.  
  
"Everything you need to know is in here. Course list, accommodation allocation, meal times and information on the Induction Course tomorrow. That'll be a treat. You get to meet Miss S, Mrs Annette and all the rest of the teaching staff.  
  
"But what does the number stand for?" Mattie just looked bewildered. "And what exactly are you? I mean, I can see you're a small version of Cronus with horns and big ears, but how and why?"  
  
Kronos sighed. "You are the 546th student to be registered here today, hence 546. It's your number, it's specific to you and it's in indelible ink that will stay on for the duration of the course. To answer your question about me, I am what is created every time a fanfic writer spells Cronus' name incorrectly. In fact one gets created every time any character's name is misspelled or misused in a fic. We are called Stargate Mini Trolls and I for one am very sensitive about the size of my ears by the way. There are quite a few of us around, you've probably already met O'Neil with one L and Danyell?"  
  
Mattie nodded.  
  
"I am Kronos with a K and our job is fetching and carrying for the Teaching Staff." Continued Kronos. "Well there you have it. Now, if you have no more pointless and ridiculous questions I have to go."  
  
He beckoned conspiratorially to Mattie who bent down closer.  
  
"They get quite restless you know, and then the pranks start, not to mention the petty squabbling. And the complete and utter lack of fashion sense! They're just a laughing stock in the fanfic world now, and they don't like it, not one bit. That's why Miss S lets them have first crack at the newbies. It keeps them happy. What a pity the scriptwriters didn't show a bit more depth when they decided to create them, we wouldn't have had these problems. Anyway, enough of that, too late now to pull it back, all we can do now is limit the damage caused by the fanfics. The next stage in the registration is kitting out. The Jaffa will show you."  
  
As Kronos looped back the tent flap she could hear that the next 'victim' was already in there and being grilled by the System Lord Panel. Muffled sobs could be heard quite clearly. It was Chloe, poor pretty little Chloe being torn apart by those aliens. Mattie took a firm step in the direction of the tent and found herself come up short with her nose pressed against shiny grey leather armour. She looked up and tried to smile winsomely at the Jaffa, who stared back at her with no expression whatsoever.  
  
"I just wanted to." She began.  
  
The Jaffa said nothing. He merely pointed with his staff weapon at the building Mattie and her group had seen the male fanfic writer head towards earlier and she had no choice but to start walking in that direction. She stopped after a couple of steps and looked back, but the Jaffa just waved the staff weapon menacingly in the general direction of her and the building again. She got the message. However, as she trudged wearily she heard a commotion behind her, so she stopped and looked around curiously.  
  
The registration tent flap was literally ripped open and an extremely vengeful looking Chloe came stalking out, followed by Kronos with a K scurrying after her as fast as his little legs would carry him and a very harassed look on his face.  
  
"Oh just BITE ME!" Screamed Chloe with a backward glance of sheer loathing at the tent. Her pretty little face was practically purple with rage. She kicked at one of the tent pegs and had to be restrained by the Jaffa. "Nasty, horrible SNAKEHEADS!"  
  
Mattie shrugged, shook her head and resumed her path to the next part of the registration process. 


	4. One size fits all

Part Four - One size fits all  
  
Mattie was surprised to see that the queue of people waiting to go into the building was still quite long. She obviously hadn't been in the System Lord tent as long as it had felt. The sign over the door of the building clearly read 'Quartermaster Stores'.  
  
Uh oh, that doesn't augur well, she thought to herself.  
  
Most of the fanfic writers in the queue were either sitting down on the ground in small groups chatting with each other while they waited, or slumped despondently against anything they could find to slump against.  
  
She spotted a couple of obvious Daniel Jackson fans, one of whom had 'SAVE DANIEL JACKSON CAMPAIGN' on her tee shirt and the other was carrying a backpack with a BDU-clad teddy bear wearing a bandanna and glasses hanging from the strap. There were also what appeared to be a couple of Teal'c fans. This was remarkably obvious because they were wearing identical shirts with Teal'c on them dressed as he had been in the 1969 episode in the flower power shirt and wig. Mattie was beginning to feel distinctly underdressed.  
  
The male fanfic writer they had seen earlier was a definite 'slumper' and since he had been the last one to come out of registration before Mattie went in, she found herself standing next to him.  
  
"Hi." Said Mattie brightly.  
  
He nodded miserably. His whole attitude was one of despondency and he showed no particular desire to introduce himself, so she decided to take the lead.  
  
"I'm Mattie, and you are?" She held out her hand and after a moment's hesitation he took it.  
  
"Ah, um, it's DocMcKay." He said with a very defensive attitude.  
  
Mattie managed to hide the smirk with difficulty. "Nice name."  
  
"Yeah, I kinda thought he and Sam made a really good couple. Much better than Jack or Sam. You're not a Jack and Sam shipper are you?" He asked anxiously. "It's just that I've run foul of that crowd so many times in the forums, that I'm a bit wary now. One fan sent me hate mail because I posted a fic that had a bit of romance between her and McKay in it while they were building a naquadria bomb to send through the wormhole to Anubis' stronghold. She said that any kind of blind SOB could see that she and Jack were meant to be together. I don't see it. I just don't see it."  
  
His voice was beginning to rise and Mattie could see that he was getting fairly stressed, so she decided not to tell him about her Jack and Sam fics. She sighed to herself. Since meeting a few other writers and listening to the System Lords, she was slowly beginning to realise just how narrow and blinkered her writing really was.  
  
"Er, no, actually I'm not a rampant shipper or anything, although there certainly is some chemistry there."  
  
She realised her fatal error when she saw his face begin to turn a peculiarly attractive shade of lilac. Oops, wrong thing to say. She started to back-pedal hastily.  
  
"I mean, there is chemistry between her and McKay as well, without a doubt, and they have much more in common with each other." She blurted out quickly before the lilac could turn to purple.  
  
His look turned from stormy to mildly triumphant in a second.  
  
"Exactly what I say, they have so much more in common. Why everyone thinks that she and Colonel O'Neill would marry I don't know."  
  
Oh god thought Mattie, he's going to go off on a Sam and McKay tirade. I honestly don't think I need this right now. She prepared for the deluge, but was saved at the last minute by a dubiously welcome interruption.  
  
"Move along now, move along now! Can't you see that the queue has moved up? You're not on a picnic you know, this is serious stuff. Seriously serious stuff. Straighten that back Airman and stop muttering to yourself. Security's the name of the game. Loose lips sink ships! We have ways of making soldiers out of you all you know."  
  
An imperious and very familiar voice could be heard barking from the direction of the head of the queue. A moment later a mini troll version of Colonel Simmonds marched smartly into view, shoes crunching on the gravel path. Mattie blinked rapidly when she realised that he was dressed in an interesting mix of military and civilian clothing.  
  
From the waist up, he was in Air Force blue best dress. From the waist down he was wearing golfing plus fours and on his feet he had Tommy Bahama brown and white golfing shoes complete with fringe and tassels. He wore a peaked cap which had holes in it for the horns to poke through and his ears stuck out on either side, the size emphasised by the fact that the hat was rammed so low down over them. A large label very much the same as Paddington Bear's brown luggage label, was tied to the lapel of his jacket. It had 'Col SIMONS (please do not allow near X303 under any circumstances and do not feed)' on it in big red letters.  
  
The students in the queue scuffled nervously and lackadaisically got to their feet. As far as Mattie could see, the queue actually hadn't moved much at all. She guessed that it was part of this mini troll's duties to keep order outside the Quartermaster Stores. Still, he might have some information, like how long all this was likely to take for instance, so she decided to take the bull by the horns.  
  
"Um, excuse me?" She said, tentatively putting her hand in the air.  
  
Simons spun on his heel to such good effect that he turned in a complete one hundred and eighty-degree circle, so instead of facing the queue he was looking at an innocent clump of bushes in the opposite direction entirely. He shuffled around until he faced the queue again.  
  
"Who said that?" He demanded, staring accusingly at the queue in general, and with one accord they all pointed at Mattie, who shrank back in embarrassment and whipped her hand back down.  
  
Simons strutted up to her and stared hard into her face as best he could considering he was craning his neck to look into it.  
  
"What is it Airman?"  
  
"Er, I just wondered..." She began.  
  
"Wondered? Wondered? You're not supposed to wonder in the military. You're here to learn and keep quiet." He leant closer until his nose was almost touching her belt buckle and Mattie shrank back further and further until she was practically bent over backwards. "Security Airman, that's what it's all about. Security and secrecy are the watchwords for the course. Loose lips sink ships, remember."  
  
His voice suddenly became wheedling and his eyes were both sly and pleading.  
  
"You don't happen to know where they parked the X303 do you? I know it's here somewhere but they won't let me near it."  
  
Mattie started to panic. "No, I don't. I'm just new here, I don't know anything."  
  
Simons chortled with glee and rocked back on his heels.  
  
"That's very good Airman, security and secrecy, that's the key. You're getting the hang of this." He winked at her slyly and nudged her leg with his elbow. She distractedly noticed that his ears waggled when he winked. "So, since you don't know where the X303 is, perhaps you have a donut or something to eat?"  
  
"No" Said Mattie quite truthfully. She realised that she was actually getting rather hungry by this time herself.  
  
His face crumpled. "Not even a crumb or a cookie? They don't feed us very well here you know. It was much better back at NID. Nothing but the best there."  
  
Mattie shook her head.  
  
"Oh well. I thought students always had donuts or at least cookies. Students are always hungry." He shook his head and wandered off in the direction of the building again.  
  
"Damn. I didn't even get a chance to ask him anything." Mattie cursed softly to herself.  
  
"Probably couldn't have told you anything anyway, he's just a 'gofer' like all of the mini trolls." Said DocMcKay. "Why don't you look at your information pack? There's quite a bit to read in there. Some of it sounds like fun even. Apparently this is just the first area. According to the pack, there are five main areas. SGC itself, a Goa'uld stronghold complete with occupied village of slaves, underground Tok'ra tunnels, The Torture Area and the Alpha Site main complex, which is where we are at the moment. All the students are accommodated in the SGC building. The teaching staff occupy the stronghold, the Jaffa live in the Alpha site complex and I'm not really sure about the rest. I'm in Level 34, block A, Room 12."  
  
Mattie opened up the pack which had 'CLASSIFIED DOCUMENT' written across the top of it.  
  
"There's a map." Said DocMcKay helpfully.  
  
By this time Chloe, ColonelSam and Martouf's Love Slave had joined the queue.  
  
"Where's Daniellzgurl?" Asked Mattie as they walked up to her.  
  
ColonelSam jerked a thumb in the direction of the registration tent.  
  
"Still in there." She said with a huge grin. "According to Kronos with a K, one of the System Lords asked her about her Daniel fics and why she was so fixated on him. She started burbling on like a drain and drooled all over Ra's paperwork. He wasn't best pleased, but once she got started for real, they couldn't stop her and there was a delay while Kronos with a K located drool buckets and mops. So now she's got to wait while they dry everything off."  
  
"Serves them right, I say." Said Chloe in a savage little voice. "Good for nothing, slimy, overdressed SNAKEHEADS."  
  
"Oh I don't know. Heru Ur and Cronus are pretty cute." Said Martouf's Love Slave.  
  
They all turned and looked at her in disbelief. She stared back very defensively.  
  
"What? It's just a short jump from Tok'ra to Goa'uld!" She protested. "I just never noticed how cute they were until I met them."  
  
"Not Apophis then?" Asked ColonelSam slyly.  
  
Marty shuddered melodramatically. "No. I make it a rule never to obsess over a man who has better make up on than I do."  
  
This sent them all off into gales of laughter.  
  
"So watcha doin'?" ColonelSam asked Mattie.  
  
"Just looking at the information pack." Said Mattie, leafing through the papers in the folder. "According to this I'm accommodated in Level 33, Block B Room 6, wherever that is."  
  
"Cool." Said ColonelSam looking at her own pack. "So am I. We're roomies!"  
  
"Me and Daniellzgurl are next door." Said Marty. "Chloe? Where are you going to be?"  
  
Chloe sniffled. "Level 33, Block A Room 4, with someone called Aphrodite2. I wish I was with you guys."  
  
The others exploded into more laughter.  
  
"Aphrodite2?" Sniggered ColonelSam. "I wonder what happened to Aphrodite1? Sounds like a furgling Goa'uld wannabe to me."  
  
"Oh crap." Said Chloe. "Not a snakehead, they would put me in with a snakehead wouldn't they?"  
  
Morrigan immediately poked her head out from round one of the trees.  
  
"That wouldn't be a 'gratuitous Major Carter quote' would it?" She asked hopefully. O'Neil with one L popped up beside her and started to chivvy her away.  
  
"No it wouldn't and we haven't got the time, for cryin.I mean for heaven's sake. We're late for Miss S and her registration staff debriefing as it is." He scolded. "Anyway, you had your quota of gratuitous character quotes for today and I think you did pretty well out of it. You got that double didn't you?"  
  
Morrigan sighed and allowed herself to be led away. "I suppose so, but I wish they had let me join in the fun at the registration tent. I hear Cronus slipped in a puddle of some Daniel Jackson fanfic writer's drool and his cloak is completely ruined. I would have loved to have seen that."  
  
They disappeared off behind the Quartermaster building arguing amicably as they went.  
  
"Strange." Mused Mattie. "Have you noticed that the mini trolls have their own personalities despite the fact that they sort of look like the original? I mean Col Simons looked like the troll version of Simmonds, but I don't remember him dressing in plus fours, or a mixture of military and ordinary clothes. He seemed kind of, well, British, not American at all. I wonder what that was about."  
  
"I can enlighten you there." Said a soft voice with a strange accent that Mattie couldn't quite place.  
  
The newcomer was an attractive, friendly looking woman in her thirties with brown hair cut in a bob. She wore an ordinary sized nametag, which said simply 'Mrs Short - Manning and Records'.  
  
"Hi, I'm Annette, but you'd better call me Mrs Short. I'm in charge of Manning and Records. The reason that the mini trolls are different from the originals is because not only are the names spelt wrongly in fanfics, which is why they are created in the first place, but they are also more often than not characterised wrongly as well. Sometimes fanfic writers get terribly confused about characters, their mannerisms and sometimes how they dress. They bring in Briticisms. They have them talking and doing things completely alien to the actual character. Col Simons was a product of a British fanfic writer's idea about how she thought Simmonds was characterised. It's completely wrong of course, because Simmonds is American, but she wrote him almost like a typical British officer, hence the strange dress and the way the mini troll Col Simons acts."  
  
She glanced over towards the Quartermaster's building and smiled.  
  
"Looks like you'd better all get your skates on and move up to the door, I think your group might be next in line for kitting out."  
  
Sure enough, the queue seemed to have magically disappeared, but it struck Mattie that she hadn't actually seen anyone leave the building with kit. ColonelSam had noticed it too and said so.  
  
"Ah." Said Mrs Short mysteriously. "You won't see them leave and I won't tell you why because it would spoil the whole thing."  
  
She saw the look of trepidation on their faces and smiled reassuringly.  
  
"Don't look so worried. We're not here to hurt or frighten you. It's just like any other college really, except it has military overtones. The other fandoms have universities as well and sometimes we overlap a little. We are bordered by the Buffy and Angel Fanfic University on one side and the Lord of the Rings Middle Earth Fanfic University on the other. Sometimes you get mini trolls from each entering over the borders of the dimensions and they have to be taken back. A lot of the rules and courses are similar because fanfic writers for all the shows tend to commit the same sort of literary crimes. Like your inability to use swear words ColonelSam. There is a set of filters in operation over all the university for those students who make their characters use uncharacteristic bad language. Every time you try to swear the filters translate it into gobbledegook."  
  
"Gee, no seat. Er.sot, sock, soggle, siggle? Oh for furgling heck's sake, you know what I'm trying to say." Said ColonelSam in exasperation as she tried desperately to get her tongue around the right word in vain.  
  
The rest of the group giggled.  
  
"Exactly." Chuckled Mrs Short. "Don't feel too bad though, you're in good company with quite a few other fanfic writers right across the range of fandoms who substitute articulate vocabulary with blaspheming. It's mainly laziness really, not necessarily because they don't know the right words. Although of course some people are just plain inarticulate."  
  
She seemed like a very pleasant woman and Mattie for one felt a little more comfortable. Mrs Short was certainly the most normal person she'd seen so far. She held out her hand.  
  
"Thanks very much Mrs Short, I'm sure we all appreciate the explanations and reassurance."  
  
Everyone nodded enthusiastically.  
  
" Will we see you again?" Asked Daniellzgurl.  
  
"Oh yes, of course you will." Smiled Mrs Short. "I'll be there at the induction tomorrow along with everyone else and I'll be in the records room supervising the Hammond Filing MiniTrolls. You'd best be off, the last one has gone in. Oh, and watch out for the hole!"  
  
She pointed at the gravel path, which had developed a rather large hole that looked a bit like a mini-wormhole.  
  
"Where the blubbering heck did that come from?" Asked Colonel Sam. They all skirted the hole very carefully.  
  
"Plothole." Said Mrs Short cheerfully. "They pop up all over the place, every time someone writes a fanfic in fact or even sometimes when the real scriptwriters do a script. So you'll have to watch where you step. Rather a nuisance really. Students are forever falling down them. Not to mention the mini trolls. Trouble is we never know where the wormhole will come out. Sometimes they can land in different university altogether. Sometimes they can land up right in the middle of the Torture Area and then it's a nightmare trying to get them back. Ba'al and Terak consider them fair game. Ha! Fair Game."  
  
She walked away chuckling to herself. "Fair Game. Gratuitous Episode reference. Hee, that'll make Miss S laugh."  
  
"And I was just thinking how normal and reassuring she seemed." Sighed Mattie.  
  
They had reached the door, but instead of opening it, they all stood around looking at each other, everyone waiting for someone else to grab the handle.  
  
"Oh frell it." Said ColonelSam and reached for the handle.  
  
As she did so it was yanked open very abruptly from the other side. They all jumped back in dismay, falling and tripping over each other, as Zipacna, complete with short tunic and feathered hat stalked through.  
  
"Ouch."  
  
"Watch your foggling feet will you?"  
  
"Ow, that was my nose you idiot."  
  
"Could someone pleaze get ov by chest? I can't breave!" This last from poor little Chloe who was at the back and had taken the brunt of all the bodies.  
  
He stood, hands on hips, glaring down at them for a moment, face working uncontrollably, then he turned and went back through the door closing it carefully after him. A second later they could hear strange muffled sounds, possibly laughter, through the door.  
  
"Oh. My. God!" Said Daniellzgurl. "Did you see who that was?"  
  
"Oh yeah sure you betcha." Said Mattie and then clapped her hand over her mouth and looked around nervously. She had this feeling that Morrigan was sneaking around just waiting for someone to do another 'gratuitous Colonel O'Neill quote'. However no Morrigan appeared so she relaxed a little and helped Chloe to her feet.  
  
The door opened again. Zipacna put his head around the door. He had distinct traces of wetness on his cheeks as if he'd been crying, or crying with laughter.  
  
"You called me?"  
  
"What?" They all said together.  
  
"You said 'oh my god', I thought you were worshipping me." He drew himself up to his full height. Which was considerable if you counted the feathered headdress. "I am Lord Zipacna. Laundry, fancy hats and fashion accessories. Oh, and I do weapons too. Zats, P90's, staff weapons, you name it, we have it, except you students are forbidden to handle them yet. I hope you are the last, I was just about to shut up shop, you are fortunate that you caught me."  
  
Mattie was the first to recover properly.  
  
"Yes, I think we are the last." She said politely.  
  
"Good." Said Zipacna. "I cannot be late for the registration debriefing, Miss S would be furious. I would rather face Lord Ra in all his rages than Miss S when she's angry. Get in all of you and make it quick."  
  
They obediently trooped in the door and found themselves in a long room with shelves at the back, a long counter and a form with baskets on it against the wall. Zipacna had disappeared behind the counter and the shelves and they could hear a muffled conversation being carried on somewhere in the depths of the store.  
  
"You said they were all gone."  
  
"I thought they were my Lord, I went out and there was no one there."  
  
"You are an imbecile Simons. Sometimes I wonder, why me? Why did I get the idiot Col Simons troll. Why could I not have been assigned O'Neil with one L, or Kronos with a K. at least they have a smidgen of intelligence."  
  
"Well look on the bright side my Lord. You could have got Danyell!"  
  
"Do not say it, in fact do not even think it! I am not listening. La la la la la la la. Just get the clothing ready and bring it out, there are five of them."  
  
Mattie snickered. She had this mental picture of Zipacna stood there with his fingers in his ears blocking out the dreadful notion of having Danyell with his brush as a helper.  
  
Zipacna appeared behind the counter again followed by Col Simons staggering under a huge pile of uniform green clothing, boots, hats and kitbags.  
  
"I cannot understand how it is that nobody has created a Zipacna troll yet. Surely my name is as difficult to spell as any of the others." He sounded quite put out.  
  
"It's the stupid hat." Came the muffled voice from behind the pile.  
  
Zipacna looked at him in bewilderment. "The stupid hat? What has my headdress got to do with anything?"  
  
"They all remember who you are because of the feathered hat. I understand it caused a lot of amusement among the fans and then there's the fact that they hate you because you pleaded against Skaara on behalf of Klorel and tried to blow up the Tollan homeworld."  
  
"But I thought I had sorted the hat issue when I changed my outfit to raze the Tok'ra planet to the ground?" Said Zipacna in a hurt tone.  
  
"Yes my Lord, but the only thing they remember is that it was Zipacna with the stupid hat."  
  
"Oh if I could get my hands on the Stargate productions wardrobe person, they would regret the day they were ever born." Snarled Zipacna. "Put the clothing down Simons, try not to be more of an idiot than you can help."  
  
He faced the five women, who were waiting patiently for them to stop bickering with each other.  
  
"Get in a straight line here." He snapped. His eyes glowed.  
  
They all shuffled into a line. Not very straight, but a line all the same. Col Simons put the clothing down at the other end of the counter. Mattie could see him concentrating fiercely muttering under his breath as he put them down in relatively neat piles, which was quite a feat considering that he was only as tall as the counter.  
  
"Trousers, jackets, hat, boots, kitbags. Trousers, jackets, hat, boots, kitbags. Trousers, jackets, hat, boots, kitbags." He intoned as he dropped item by item on each pile.  
  
"Oh for the love of heaven, will you just stop that?" Snapped Zipacna, not offering to help at all.  
  
"Finished!" Shouted Col Simons.  
  
Zipacna pointed at Martouf's Love Slave who was the nearest to the pile.  
  
"You! Go down to the end and collect your clothing and kitbag." He then addressed the others. "When she has hers, the next one will move to collect her clothing. When all of you have your kit, move to the baskets at the back of the room, remove your outer clothing put it in the basket and get dressed in the uniforms."  
  
Five pairs of outraged eyes swivelled in his direction.  
  
"Get undressed in front of you and him?" Exploded ColonelSam. "Nigglebocks. You have to be frogging kidding don't you?"  
  
Zipacna looked utterly confused. "Nigglebocks?"  
  
"It's the anti-blasphemy filters my Lord. One of this student's fanfiction crimes is inappropriate character use of bad language. I think she might have been trying to say 'bollox', an English human slang term. It's an alteration of ballocks, testicles, from Middle English and balloks, from Old English beallucas, or so I've been told by Danyell."  
  
Zipacna nodded sagely. "Ah!"  
  
The girls by this time were falling about laughing.  
  
"SILENCE!" Thundered Zipacna. They all stopped laughing and stood to attention. He came out from behind the counter and stalked up and down the line. Finally he stopped, facing them.  
  
"I can assure you humans, that as worthy examples of womanly and desirable flesh, you fall far beneath even the average requirement of a Goa'uld. I have seen women so beautiful, so exquisite that they could inflame one's ardour just by a look. Your pathetic semi-nudity would not even raise a sweat, let alone anything else. However, since I am a reasonable person, Simons and I will retire to the back of the store. We will trust you to get dressed by yourselves. You will shout and tell us when you are ready."  
  
ColonelSam looked at the others. They all nodded.  
  
"Okay." She said cheerfully. "We don't have a problem with that, but no peeking."  
  
Zipacna looked at her with a vaguely horrified expression.  
  
"I can assure you human, that nothing was further from my mind!"  
  
"Speak for yourself" Muttered Col Simons under his breath.  
  
"Just get behind the shelves Simons." Snarled Zipacna. "I would like to get out of here before the end of the universe. I have an arm wrestling match with Osiris planned for after the debriefing."  
  
They undressed and then dressed in silence.  
  
"Oh for cryin' out loud." Said Mattie in despair, not caring whether Morrigan was hiding to catch her out in a forbidden comment. "What the hell is this supposed to be?"  
  
ColonelSam let out a crack of laughter. "Aw, go on girl, give us a twirl then."  
  
Mattie obediently twirled and the other four dissolved into laughter again.  
  
"I think you have my clothes." Stuttered Daniellzgurl, wiping tears of laughter away.  
  
Mattie's BDU's were huge. Nowhere did they even vaguely fit her. The arms of the jacket hung at least eight inches below her hands and the trouser legs were like concertinas over the boots. Her soft peaked hat was down around her nose and they could hear her feet sliding around in the boots.  
  
"If you think that's bad." Said Martouf's Love Slave. "Take a look here!"  
  
Her clothes were so skimpy that her trousers were halfway up her legs. They were skin-tight around the hips and rear and the arms of her BDU jacket were up to her elbow. She hadn't managed to fasten the jacket all the way up and it gaped where her rather ample breasts swelled. The hat perched on top of her grey hair and she hadn't even attempted to put the small boots on.  
  
"Of course, I still have my Martouf tee shirt on, which isn't helping." She admitted.  
  
The whoops of hysterical laughter got louder and louder. A game of swap was started until they were all reasonably dressed in clothes that looked shapeless, but at least were closer to the correct fit. They stuffed the spare clothing into the kitbags.  
  
"Come out, come out wherever you are!" ColonelSam sang out. "We're ready."  
  
Zipacna peered cautiously around the corner of the shelves. The girls stood demurely, awaiting inspection.  
  
He stepped out and wandered up and down the line examining them closely.  
  
"You took your time." He growled.  
  
His gimlet gaze stopped dead at Martouf's Love Slave's jacket. It seemed to be bulging a lot more than it should around the waist.  
  
"Is that all you?" He demanded, stabbing an accusing finger at her midriff.  
  
Marty looked offended. "Of course it is."  
  
"Open it."  
  
She looked horrified and wrapped her arms around herself.  
  
"No." She squeaked.  
  
His eyes narrowed and glowed. "NOW human, or I will do it for you."  
  
Marty reluctantly opened her jacket, to reveal a white tee shirt wrapped around her waist on top of the green issue tee shirt worn under the jacket.  
  
Zipacna gingerly pulled it out using thumb and forefinger and held it at arms' length with a look of distaste.  
  
"What is this?"  
  
"Er, it's my Martouf 4 Ever tee shirt." Said Marty hanging her head. "It goes everywhere with me."  
  
"Nevertheless you will leave it here in the basket!" Said Zipacna in a voice that brooked no disobedience. He went to drop it in the basket, but Marty shot over and grabbed one end of it. They proceeded to have a deadly and silent tug of war.  
  
"Put. It. In. The. Basket." Said Zipacna pulling hard on the tee shirt.  
  
"No." Squeaked Marty, giving an equally hard pull back. Everyone heard the distinct sound of seams ripping. Human and Goa'uld stood facing each other, one defiant and the other furious.  
  
He lifted his hand and a ribbon device started to glow. The hiss of indrawn breaths from everyone watching probably could have been heard all over the planet had anyone been listening. Col Simons leapt out from behind the counter and caught at Zipacna's arm.  
  
"My Lord. I really don't think this is a wise move. You know that Miss S takes fatalities on the first day very badly. She'll punish you. Remember when she gave the blue and yellow feather headdress a crew cut with the pinking shears?"  
  
Zipacna's hand dropped and so did his face.  
  
"Not even one little blast?" He said in a pleading voice.  
  
"Not if you want your hats to escape the wrath of Miss S."  
  
"I hate to admit it, but you are right." Sighed Zipacna. Everyone let out the breath they had been holding. He looked at Marty. "You may keep the shirt but everything else goes in the basket."  
  
Marty grinned in sheer relief.  
  
"What about the clothes in the baskets? What happens to them?"  
  
"They will be returned at the end of the course." Said Zipacna sulkily. He wandered off in a huff, leaving Col Simons to do the finishing off honours. They heard a door slam in the back of the store.  
  
"Right ladies, if you're ready? Grab your kitbags and follow me." 


	5. Who’s been sleeping in my bed, said Momm...

Part Five - Who's been sleeping in my bed, said Momma Bear?  
  
The journey to the SGC accommodation blocks had been rather interesting to say the least, via another wormhole. This deposited them on the actual ramp of the Stargate in the gateroom itself. Mattie grinned to herself as she landed firmly on both feet this time with the minimum of nausea. She could get used to this form of travel.  
  
"Oh. My. God. We're in the actual Gateroom." Said Daniellzgurl. Her eyes were like saucers.  
  
ColonelSam nudged Mattie in the ribs. "Whatever you do, don't tell her that I just saw Daniel up there in the control room."  
  
"You did? Where?" Mattie craned her neck to see. All she could see were the technicians sitting behind the computers that controlled the gate.  
  
"You're late. Are you the last lot of students?" Major Davis stood at the bottom of the ramp.  
  
"Er. Yes sir." Said Martouf's Love Slave.  
  
He grinned. "I'm Major Davis, the Pentagon Liaison. Just five of you?"  
  
They all nodded.  
  
"Good, well you should have your assigned accommodation details in your packs and the Airman here will show you where to go. When you get to your quarters you'll find a bib with your specific number, which was assigned to you at registration, on it. Wear the bib at all times, it's how we will recognise you. Fandom pseudonyms are too confusing, because many of them are duplicated, although they're usually spelled differently, hence the number. When you're settled, head to the commissary and get your meal. SGC personnel work in shifts so the commissary is open 24 hours. This doesn't mean that you can sit there for 24 hours. There is a recreation room where you can go during your off duty periods. However, my advice would be to get some sleep. Induction is at 08:00 hours tomorrow morning in the large briefing theatre, if you're not there and seated by 07.55 hours, you will fail the course by default. There are maps of the base in your rooms, but it's quite a big place with lots of levels, so carry it with you at all times. If you get in the elevator and it travels straight down to level 40 without stopping, do not get out. The doors will not open for that level unless you specifically hit the open door button. It would be extremely unwise for you to do so. Is that all clear?"  
  
They all nodded again. Mattie was beginning to feel like one of those nodding dogs on the back window of cars. ColonelSam nudged her again as they meekly trudged after the Airman.  
  
"Cor' he's a bit of alright isn't he? I never really noticed before. I wonder what's on level 40?"  
  
"I have no idea and I'm not all that eager to find out." Responded Mattie. "I need food and sleep."  
  
ColonelSam grinned. "So you do think you're awake then?"  
  
Mattie looked startled. "What do you mean?"  
  
"Nothing, just that, well, every now and again you mutter 'I am asleep, I am asleep' under your breath. It's okay though, I've been trying to tell myself that this is just some bizarre dream the whole time I've been here. I have a feeling we all are. So you're not even curious about level 40?"  
  
Mattie shrugged. "With my luck, it'll be where Ba'al and the torture chamber is."  
  
The elevator doors slid shut and the Airman punched the level 33 button. Like most elevator rides, nobody ever talks in them, so they rode in silence. The elevator smoothly moved down the shaft, level 31, 32, 33, 34, 35.  
  
"Shouldn't we have stopped at 33?" Asked Chloe anxiously. The Airman said nothing. He rolled his eyes and then closed them.  
  
"I suppose this would be a bad time to mention my problem with elevators." Muttered Marty under her breath.  
  
The elevator finally stopped at level 40, but the doors remained closed. The Airman, opened his eyes, sighed and waited with his arms folded. He made no attempt to either open the doors or re-press the level 33 button.  
  
"Maybe someone wants to get on." Said Marty.  
  
"Down here?" Said the Airman lifting his eyebrow. "I seriously doubt it. Nobody ever gets on the elevator here, they just get off."  
  
"And then?" Asked Mattie nervously.  
  
He shrugged. "I don't know, never seen anyone come back on the elevator to tell the tale!"  
  
The elevator suddenly shuddered and then started to move upwards again. Level 39, 38, 37. The girls held their breath but once it reached level 33, the doors slid open and they all piled out with enthusiasm and relief.  
  
"This way ladies." Said the Airman leading them along a long corridor that looked just like the corridors in the SGC. "This is Block B rooms 1 to 14. For those accommodated in Block A, follow me."  
  
They waved a temporary goodbye to a tearful Chloe and walked along the corridor examining the room numbers for their rooms, which they found quite easily.  
  
"It strikes me that we don't have any personal stuff with us." Remarked ColonelSam. "How are we supposed to shower and stuff if we haven't got anything to shower with? I've got no money to buy anything either. There must be shops outside the SGC."  
  
Mattie opened the door of their room and cautiously stuck her head in.  
  
"Something tells me we're not in Kansas any more Dorothy, and I don't care whether that's a gratuitous Jack-ism or not. I can't see there being a mall around here. I have a feeling that there's nothing here except whatever is actually in the show itself. Of course, there could be an O'Malley's Steak House, because that's in the show." She said dryly. "Maybe we'll get spare time to explore."  
  
The room was quite pleasant, although fairly sparsely furnished. There were two beds with clean bedding folded on the bottom and the shelves above the bed had toiletries, hairbrushes and hairdryers stacked on them. Clean towels were folded neatly on one of the shelves. Their numbered bibs were laid across the pillow. As far as Mattie could see, the only disadvantage to being in the room was the lack of windows, which of course was to be expected given that they were underground.  
  
"I don't think we need to worry about toiletries or anything." She said. "The rooms come supplied with everything."  
  
"Really? Said ColonelSam stepping through the door and dropping her kitbag on the floor. "Cool, but I bet they don't have the shampoo I like to use. My hair is so fargling frizzy. Ooh, a new word!"  
  
Mattie picked up a bottle.  
  
"Frizz-tamer, the shampoo for that bad hair day." She read out loud from the label.  
  
"You're kidding! That'll do nicely."  
  
Mattie kicked her kitbag to one side, sat down on the bunk and picked up the bib. She slipped it over her head and fastened the ties on the side.  
  
"This is a bit like being back at kindergarten. I feel like a toddler with an address label. One thing's for sure, I'm getting pretty hungry now. Wanna head to the commissary and grab something to eat? Then I'll probably turn in, it sounds like we're in for a busy day tomorrow."  
  
"Good idea. Take your pack with you and we can look at the course content while we eat. This could turn out to be serious fun." ColonelSam picked up her bib and her pack.  
  
The commissary was exactly as pictured in the show, except it was full of students instead of SGC personnel. Daniellzgurl and Marty waved frantically at them from one of the tables. They were sitting with Chloe and another couple of women Mattie hadn't seen before. Marty gesticulated that she would save two seats for Mattie and ColonelSam, so they both headed for the food counter to fetch their meals.  
  
Most of the students seemed to be entering into the spirit of the occasion, so not surprisingly there was an inordinately long queue for the blue jello. Mattie thought it looked rather disgusting and decided to skip it. In fact, although there was a wide choice, all the food looked rather bland, like typical college food or what she'd heard about military cookhouse food from her brother who was in the military. She finally settled on a grilled chicken sandwich, french fries and a large diet coke and carried them over to the table.  
  
"It's like being in a college refectory. Loads of bland crap, limp salads or fried stuff." She said.  
  
"Ain't it just?" Chortled Marty. "I feel like I've gone straight back to college."  
  
"Well so you have." Mattie glanced around the room. "Anybody interesting around?"  
  
They all laughed.  
  
"You mean like someone from SG1?" Asked Marty "Nah, they're all just students like us. We're all over the place. Oh by the way, this is Jadzia and Mac, short for McGyver of course."  
  
Jadzia was a tall, willowy, very pretty girl with dark hair pulled back into a tight ponytail, very much like her character namesake. Mac was a short and slightly stout woman who had light brown hair peppered with grey. Mattie guessed she was a similar age to Martouf's Love Slave.  
  
"So Jadzia, let me guess. Star Trek DS9 fan?" Asked ColonelSam. Mattie tucked into her meal and listened with growing fascination.  
  
"Yep. A friend introduced me to Stargate and I got hooked when I saw Teal'c. Man is he the coolest?" Jadzia enthused. "Then I got into writing fics. The main reason I'm here is because I have a thing for writing crossovers. Mainly Star Trek and Stargate, but I admit to doing one between Dr Who and Star Trek as well. Perhaps I should also mention the Stargate and Lord of the Rings crossover too, only that's still a work in progress. That registration panel was something else wasn't it? Cronus accused me of grossly inappropriate mischaracterisation, anatomical sexual impossibilities and spontaneous tense shifting. They're a pretty scary bunch. He said I'd created at least two mini trolls who are very confused because they don't know if they belong to Stargate or Middle Earth. Apparently Miss S and Miss Cam from OFUM are having meetings about what to do with them."  
  
"I think I saw one rushing about down in the living quarters. He was muttering something about seeing to the petty needs of the Goa'uld and Sauron." Said Daniellzgurl. "I only noticed because he looked like Daniel, only very dorky with huge elf ears. Didn't see his badge though, so I don't know what his name is. I must admit that I did wonder where a Lord of the Rings character came into the whole Stargate shebang."  
  
"Danomir. That's his Elven name in my story." Jadzia flushed and hung her head. "He came about because I made Daniel into a descendent of Elvenkind. At the time I thought it was a really cool idea. He's supposed to be the living link between the Stargate world and Middle Earth. I could have made it work too. At least I thought I could, but I'm not so sure now. Miss S said it was a very irresponsible thing to do because the mini trolls who were created are traumatised and suffering from an identity crisis. They'll probably have to be counselled, so she's had to send for Dr Mackenzie."  
  
"Way to go Jadzia." Chuckled ColonelSam. "I wonder if I've created any mini trolls? I might use bad language as a substitute for correct grammar, but I do try to spell the names right, and I don't do crossovers."  
  
"Probably not then." Said Jadzia. "By way of changing this very embarrassing subject, has anyone looked at the course content list yet? We've got some obligatory courses tailored to our particular fanfic crimes to do, they're listed at the top, but we can actually choose five others from the list. The only thing we're not allowed to do is choose the courses specifically because the lecturers are our favourite characters, which is a lousy thing to do to anybody. I was so looking forward to doing the "How to create fight scenes that don't suck" course. Teal'c will be teaching on that one."  
  
The expression in her eyes became dreamy and distant. Mac, who hadn't spoken up to this point, rolled her eyes heavenward and kicked her under the table.  
  
"Y'all will have to excuse her." She said apologetically to the rest of them. "She tends to do this from time to time. How in hell's name she manages to keep her mind on any story she's writing, is anybody's guess."  
  
"That's okay." Grinned Marty. "We've got another one over here who does that."  
  
She pointed at Daniellzgurl who blushed furiously.  
  
"I can't help it." She said defensively. "Daniel is such a hottie. Every time I see him I just 'thunk' all over the floor. Those blue eyes, that smooth, golden skin, those wonderful quirky little eyebrows that seem to have a life all of their own."  
  
Her eyes glazed over in a most familiar fashion. This time she got four well aimed kicks on her ankle.  
  
"Ow!" She said, reaching down to rub the offended part. "That hurt."  
  
Chloe sniffled. "Those snakeheads are the worst. I don't know why they put them as the registration panel. They said my writing suffered from a sheer inability to string enough words together to make a coherent, well formed sentence. If I had paragraphs that is. Cronus asked if I had ever even heard of grammar, paragraphs or punctuation. He also said something about contractions and homo.homomins or something like that. How am I supposed to know what they are? I said a contraction was something to do with working. My mom does contract work sometimes. They all laughed at me."  
  
Mattie bit her lip to stop from grinning.  
  
"Do you mean homonyms?"  
  
Chloe's face lightened. "That's it! Homonyms. I don't know what they are. What are they?"  
  
"They're words with the same pronunciation but are spelt differently and they have a different meaning." Said McGyver. "Like 'bare' and 'bear'. Contractions don't have anything to do with working contracts. It's words like 'they're' which is a contraction for 'they are' and not to be confused with 'there' or 'their'."  
  
Chloe gave her a completely baffled look. "What difference does it make? They're just words. My mom used to check my spelling and grammar when I did homework, but the teacher told her not to at a Parent Teacher Association meeting. She said it would stunt my imagination, so she stopped doing it."  
  
Mattie chuckled. "The whole meaning of a sentence could be altered just by choosing the wrong word. Not to mention it can make a fanfic very difficult to understand. Some readers get completely put off reading a fic because of things like that."  
  
"I think that's stupid." Said Chloe mutinously. "I write as I speak. The other things they shouted at me for were using 'u' and 'b4'. They said textspeak was moronic and displayed an utter lack of articulate vocabulary. Hathor said I was old enough to have a decent vocabulary. Then they accused me of plot implausibility, including plot development mistakes. What does that mean?"  
  
"Oh! Oh!" Daniellzgurl piped up. "I got that one too and I asked about it. Ra said it was the usage of contrived events and overly melodramatic occurrences to further the story arc and also plot holes."  
  
ColonelSam leaned back in her chair.  
  
"So you're the folk we have to thank for the big plot holes that appear all over the place!" She teased.  
  
"I think we all do the plot hole thing." Said Mattie. "Mrs Short said that even the show's writers are responsible for them."  
  
The buzz of conversation in the commissary had quietened down considerably and the room was beginning to empty as the evening lengthened. Mattie felt better for eating, but light-headed from lack of sleep. She noticed that Marty was obviously feeling it too. Her head kept drooping on to her chest and then jerking up as she realised that she'd momentarily drifted off into a light doze. Will I be able to sleep Mattie wondered. So much had happened. Could one go to sleep and then wake up when you were convinced you were asleep anyway? Oh get a life, Mattie, she said sternly to herself. You're not asleep. Whatever all this is, it's real and you're awake as you're ever going to get.  
  
"Oh my ears and whiskers. I'm going to be late."  
  
A high-pitched squeak of a voice intruded into her meandering thoughts. This was followed by the sounds of thudding feet and more voices. A troop of SF's came pounding through the commissary followed by Sergeant Siler and Major Davis. They appeared to be chasing the apparition that had stopped beside Mattie's table and was busy consulting its pocket watch.  
  
Mattie blinked and her mouth dropped open for the umpteenth time that day. She remembered Kronos with a K and his comment about looking like a moron just in time and snapped it shut abruptly. However, nobody else in the group appeared to be worrying about looking moronic. Mouths gaped open uniformly and Marty was most definitely awake now.  
  
The creature standing beside her, hopping from one foot to another bore a distinct resemblance to a character out of Alice in Wonderland, a book that she had loved as a child. She blinked again, thinking she must be seeing things, but what looked like the White Rabbit, complete with waistcoat, fob, watch and chain, was still there  
  
"Move aside there. Move aside. Coming through!" Yelled Siler.  
  
The White Rabbit peered anxiously over his shoulder.  
  
"Oh no. They're coming. Must find another hole. I'm going to be very late, Queen Isis will be so angry and I am very attached to my head." He turned to Mattie. "You look like a kind child, would you be so good as to see if there's another plothole lying around somewhere? I seem to have mislaid the one I fell through earlier."  
  
Mattie opened her mouth to speak and discovered that she couldn't. Nothing would come out. ColonelSam valiantly overcame her astonishment and rose to the occasion instead. She stood up and peered around the commissary.  
  
"No. No plotholes that I can see." She said calmly and sank back down in her seat.  
  
"Oh my ears and whiskers, what am I to do?" Mourned the White Rabbit. His whiskers and nose twitched uncontrollably. Mattie stared in awe and fascination.  
  
By this time the SF's and Siler with Major Davis bringing up the rear had reached the rabbit. Mattie noticed that the SF's were armed with huge butterfly nets instead of guns. Siler touched the creature on its shoulder and it jumped nervously.  
  
"Now, now. You know you're not supposed to be here. Come along quietly and we'll return you to your own dimension wherever that is." He said sternly. "You should know the rules by now, running won't help. You'll end up down another plothole and it won't necessarily go where you want it to."  
  
Another slightly irritated voice intruded.  
  
"Have you got him Sergeant Siler?" A fair-haired woman came striding through the commissary.  
  
"Yes Miss S Ma'am." Said Siler snapping to attention smartly as the woman reached them. "He's not going anywhere."  
  
"Oh good. Nice work Sergeant." She sighed with relief and held her hand out to the rabbit, who hung its head and took the hand meekly. "Come on sweetie. We need to find out where to send you back to. Although god knows where that might be. Siler we need to find out who perpetrated this. It appears to be a crossover between Stargate and Alice in Wonderland, but whose demented brain thought that one up is anyone's guess. Stargate and Harry Potter I can sort of live with, but Alice in Wonderland? That goes beyond the boundaries of the obscene somehow."  
  
Mattie couldn't help but fervently agree with her.  
  
"We thought it was another plot bunny escapee." Said Major Davis. "The plot bunny problem is getting way out of control in the SGC and they're now starting to overrun the Goa'uld stronghold as well. Yu found two of them in his walk-in closet and Cronus found two under his bed. No prizes for guessing what they were up to!"  
  
"I know, I know." Said Miss S. "We're in discussions at the moment with a couple of the other universities to see if this is a common problem. I rather suspect it might be. However, until fanfic writers get a control over their rampant imaginations, I can't see the problem being resolved for the foreseeable future. All we can do is damage control. The immediate problem is what to do with this little one in the meantime. We don't have detention areas for rabbits and we can hardly put him in with the untamed Unas population."  
  
Davis chuckled "Indeed no, I reckon he'd be rabbit stew before morning."  
  
The White Rabbit immediately sank closer into Miss S in terror. Mattie could see him trembling. She glared at Davis in indignation and opened her mouth to speak.  
  
"Major Davis, you might want to keep those unpleasant thoughts to yourself." Miss S responded shortly before Mattie could say anything. "I don't think there's anything wrong with the poor little thing's hearing."  
  
A number of sets of eyes all glowered in the direction of the hapless Major Davis, who flushed with embarrassment.  
  
"Oops, sorry Miss S. I was just being flippant."  
  
Miss S sighed. "Well please don't, not in front of the little ones, you know how upset they get."  
  
She turned to the seven women at the table and smiled. "New students I take it?"  
  
"Yes ma'am." Said Marty respectfully.  
  
"Then I bid you welcome to our establishment. You all know why you're here. Listen, learn and you'll end up better fanfic writers. Or not. I would suggest that you all get some sleep. It's going to be a busy day tomorrow and there a lot of activities planned to get you into the swing of it all. Oh and another thing, I wouldn't go wandering around until you know your way about better, there's no telling where you might end up. Down a plothole, in the torture area, anything can happen if you're not careful."  
  
They all chorused their thanks.  
  
"I had better go. We need to find somewhere to put this little one where he'll be safe and I need to contact Miss Cam and Miss H in OFUM and OBAFU to see whether the crossover perpetrator belongs to their side although I very much doubt it. See you tomorrow at the induction meeting ladies." Miss S turned to Major Davis and the others. "All the registration staff will be gathered by now for the debriefing, so we'd better not keep the System Lords waiting, considering how testy they get. I have a whole semester's schedule to review and students to terrorise. I just love this time of year!"  
  
She smiled brightly at the only remaining students in the commissary, namely Mattie and her associates, who all grinned nervously back at her. Then she left with the White Rabbit toddling obediently by her side.  
  
"Terrorise?" Asked Jadzia in a shaky voice. "Oh I don't like the sound of that at all. Who's going to be able to sleep after that?"  
  
"I'm so tired I could sleep through one of Ba'al's torture sessions." Yawned McGyver.  
  
"And I'm past the point of caring." Said Mattie. "So I'm going to turn in and at least make an attempt at sleeping. Something tells me that we're going to need all the rest we can get. I think we're all in for a bit of a battering." 


	6. Stand by your beds!

Author's note: Firstly thank you to those who have reviewed. I am not going to demand reviews. If you want to then please do so, all comments are welcomed as long as they are constructive. There are some who have contacted me and asked to do a cameo and I say - be careful what you wish for, you may get it! Those unfortunates have been added to the faculty of the University and are now in my hands for me to deal with as I see fit. Don't worry darlings - I will be gentle .  
  
I am currently in the process of moving locations from UK to Canada, so the posting of chapters may be a tad erratic, I'll be very grateful if you will bear with me on this.  
  
Part Six - Stand by your beds!  
  
Mattie was dreaming about boots. Lots and lots of boots, stamping and crunching up and down. In the dream, she was trying to pull a boot that was way too small onto her right foot. She could get her toes in, but not the whole foot no matter how she crammed, pulled, squeezed or cursed. She could only vaguely make out a figure standing close-by which appeared to be Morrigan. She had Mattie's other boot in her hand and she seemed to be pouring something into it from a large jug. A something that looked viscous and yellow. Mattie squinted, but in the nature of dreams, the more she looked the less she saw. Morrigan's mouth was moving, but Mattie couldn't hear what she was saying for the thunderous sound of marching feet. She got up and hobbled over to the System Lord intending to ask her to speak louder, but as she did so, her subconscious dreaming mind gave itself up to the conscious world and Mattie struggled to wakefulness. As she did, the one word which stuck firmly in her conscious brain was 'custard'.  
  
The thunderous sound of marching boots became reality as she opened her eyes. The full realisation of where she was and why hit her like an express train.  
  
"You'd better get up." Said a familiar and very anxious voice near her head. "It's 7.15am and we have to be in the main briefing theatre at 07:55. We've got to have breakfast yet. Some of the others have been up for hours. I was beginning to think you were unconscious, but then you did the eye-blinking thing and you were muttering to yourself."  
  
Mattie emerged from her cocoon of blankets, sat up slowly and then slumped back groaning loudly. Her head felt dull and sore, as though a thousand Jaffa had been marching around in it all night. She rubbed at her eyes, which felt gritty and stuck together.  
  
"Oh god. Oh god." She said hoarsely. She reached over for the bottle of water she'd left on the nightstand and drank deeply. "I wish I was unconscious. Unconscious sounds like a real nice place to be round about now."  
  
"Well, you'd better get up and get showered and dressed, because they're marching up and down the corridors turfing everyone out of their pits." Said ColonelSam, not without some sympathy.  
  
Mattie blinked. "Pits? You mean like armpits? How can someone turf you out of your armpit? It sounds revolting."  
  
She wondered which particular fanfic crime had that kind of punishment.  
  
ColonelSam howled with laughter. "Not armpits you doombrain. Pits, like bed. A pit is a slang word for your bed."  
  
Mattie swung her legs over the side of her bed and then drew them back quickly yelping in shock as the cold of the floor hit the soles of her feet.  
  
"Oh, I see. Must be something you say in England. We don't use that term where I come from."  
  
She located her towel, shampoo and soap and staggered in the direction of the small shower. ColonelSam lay back on her own bed with her arms folded behind her head. A couple of seconds later an outraged voice could be heard from the direction of the shower.  
  
"Good grief ColonelSam. What in heck were you trying to do in here? Practice your breaststroke? There's more water outside the darned shower than there is in it!"  
  
ColonelSam grinned to herself and closed her eyes. A fiendish plot bunny was beginning to nibble at the edge of her imagination, probably inspired by actually being in the SGC itself. She was thinking Jack and Sam as students here. She was thinking teensy, weensy little showers. My god, what was she thinking? She sat up shuddering and immediately nipped the plot bunny in its floppy ears before her confused brain cajoled her into writing the dreaded 'ship'.  
  
The door suddenly burst open and two very familiar figures, followed by a rather harassed looking mini-troll who bore a suspicious resemblance to Harry Maybourne, marched into the room.  
  
"STAND BY YOUR BEDS! On your feet you lazy muppets. I want you out of bed, like yesterday!" Screamed the Maybourne mini troll.  
  
ColonelSam flinched and slid off the bed, Major Kowalski rolled his eyes heavenward and Sgt Davis hid a huge grin.  
  
"Okay, okay Maybone. You might at least take it down to a dull roar. We ain't deaf yet, but we're sure as hell gonna be if you keep that up." Drawled Kowalski.  
  
"Only trying to help whip them into shape Major." Maybone protested. He slunk into the background with a sulky expression on his face.  
  
"You never let me have any fun." He muttered under his breath and scowled ferociously at ColonelSam who responded by taking a hasty backward step.  
  
"Fun comes later. They haven't been inducted yet. You know that Miss S says 'softly, softly' till after the induction." Said Kowalski cheerfully.  
  
He did a circuit of the room, which didn't take very long considering how small it was. He stopped beside Mattie's unmade bed and lifted one of the rumpled blankets between thumb and forefinger. ColonelSam glanced at her blankets, which were rolled into a ball in the middle of her bed and surreptitiously tried to straighten them without anyone seeing. Maybone spotted her and gave a gleeful chortle. He took his pencil out and started writing laboriously on his clipboard.  
  
"Too late! Bed unmade. Untidy bedspace. Absent roommate." He intoned as he scribbled.  
  
"I'm not, I mean, I wasn't." Stuttered ColonelSam blushing furiously. "It's not my fault."  
  
"Is that 'its' or 'it apostrophe s'? Queried Kowalski, dropping Mattie's blanket down on the bed.  
  
ColonelSam was completely flustered. She frantically scrabbled around in her brain to work out which was the correct one, only she couldn't remember what context she'd used it in to start with.  
  
"Can you repeat the question?" She asked nervously, desperately playing for time. Contractions weren't something she usually had problems with.  
  
Kowalski walked all around her, then stopped dead in front and looked her up and down. She flushed bright red under his intense scrutiny.  
  
"It's a simple question Airman. Is it 'its' or 'it apostrophe s'?" He asked in a deceptively quiet, almost conversational tone.  
  
The frequent use of the word 'it' in his sentence only served to confuse her even more.  
  
"I c.can't remember." She stuttered.  
  
"WRONG ANSWER! Down on the floor and give me ten Airman, and repeat after me. "It's with the apostrophe is the contraction for it is and its without the apostrophe is the possessive form of it." He ordered, his tone rising a couple of notches.  
  
Mattie came out of the shower, dripping wet with her hair flopping about her eyes. She was immediately presented with the astonishing sight of ColonelSam, practically purple in the face with her efforts and sweating buckets, struggling with press-ups at the feet of Major Kowalski who was bending over her repeating the same litany over and over again.  
  
"As a rule of thumb, it's best never to use contractions in formal writing. If you adhere to this rule, you will never have to worry about the difference between the two; if you find yourself typing an apostrophe, you will know that it's a mistake. If, however, you choose to use contractions, you must simply remember that it's is always a contraction. It's never a possessive! It's really not that confusing, because each word has its own function."  
  
Mattie let out a giggle, which she immediately smothered as soon as Kowalski's intense gaze shifted from ColonelSam and latched on to her instead.  
  
"Repeat the difference between 'its' and 'it apostrophe s' Airman. This student doesn't seem to know even this simple grammatical rule!" He snapped at her indicating the prostrate ColonelSam.  
  
"I've got it down on her fanfic crimes list Major." Piped Maybone in a voice filled with glee and satisfaction.  
  
Mattie's gaze slid from Maybone to Sgt Davis to Kowalski and then to ColonelSam huffing and puffing away as she tried to complete the required number of press-ups.  
  
"Um, one is possessive and one is a contraction of 'it is'." She said immediately, keeping her fingers crossed behind her back.  
  
There had been a time when she didn't even know what contractions and possessives were, until a kindly fellow fanfic writer pointed the grammatical errors out to her after reading one of her abysmal earlier fanfic efforts. Even now she occasionally still got it wrong.  
  
ColonelSam's arms finally gave out and she slumped to the floor in a winded heap, groaning loudly.  
  
Kowalski glowered at Mattie from underneath his brow for a minute, then he smiled.  
  
"Very good Airman."  
  
Mattie heaved a sigh of relief, but the relief was short-lived as Kowalski continued in a more brusque tone.  
  
"On the other hand, I've never seen such sloppiness in a bedspace as I've seen here. When induction and the day's events are over, you will report to Sgt Davis in the Control Room in fatigues. I think a little 'housekeeping practice' might be in order. I can't have slobs on my duty watch. I got a bet with Colonel O'Neill that my team will be the best and you're gonna help me win that bet."  
  
Mattie stared at him like a rabbit caught in the headlights, completely bereft of the power of speech for the moment. She could literally feel her mouth hanging open. Housework was something she only ever did sporadically in her apartment and what was the point of making beds if you were only going to get in them again later on?  
  
"Hunh?" Was the only thing she finally managed to say.  
  
Oh way to go Mattie, she told herself sarcastically, that was a masterful and articulate protest if I ever heard one.  
  
"Say 'Yes Major Kowalski, sir'" Said Kowalski in a kinder tone. "Did anyone mention to you about the mouth open thing?"  
  
Mattie snapped her mouth shut. She was feeling more than a little victimised over this.  
  
"Yes Major Kowalski, sir." She repeated dutifully, but underneath she was seething with resentment. Did ALL of the teaching staff know that she tended to go slack-jawed when faced with surprises and shocks?  
  
He winked at her. "Nice going Airman. I'd get dressed if I were you. It's nearly 07:45, you've only got ten minutes before you gotta be in the main briefing theatre."  
  
He left the room followed by Maybone and Sgt Davis who flashed the girls a sympathetic look. Mattie and ColonelSam could hear Maybone sounding off in one of the rooms further down the corridor.  
  
Mattie dried herself quickly and checked her watch. Oh my god, she thought, we've only got five minutes to get to the main briefing theatre. She struggled with her boots and managed to tie one set of bootlaces before ColonelSam grabbed her arm and hustled her through the door.  
  
"Come ON!" She yelled. "We've only got five minutes. So much for breakfast."  
  
Mattie allowed herself to be dragged along the corridor, stumbling over the untied set of laces. She lifted her leg and hopped along after ColonelSam, frantically tying the laces as she went, consequently she didn't notice the figure walking along ahead of her in a leisurely fashion until she was right on top of it. They would have both fallen in a heap if the figure hadn't managed to take a hasty step backwards. As it was Mattie ended up with two handfuls of filmy clothing.  
  
"Do you mind? I just had this outfit made especially for the new semester. Students are such insolent, disgusting creatures."  
  
Osiris raised a disdainful delicate eyebrow and disengaged Mattie's grasping hands from his clothing with a look of loathing in his bright blue eyes. Mattie stared in utter fascination at the elegant vision in front of her. Guinea gold ringlets tumbled artlessly from Osiris' head and there was a distinctly contemptuous curve to the perfectly sculpted lips.  
  
Mattie was instantly reminded of the time a couple of years previously when she had fallen in love with the spiral ringlets disported by Osiris/Sarah Gardner and had paid quite a lot of money to have her hair done the same way. When the hairdresser had finally finished, they were both bad tempered, red hot and sweaty. Mattie remembered her first glimpse of herself in the salon mirror. She had nearly fainted when she saw, not the vision of perfect shining pale blonde ringlets tumbling to her shoulders she had expected, but this strange and horrifying shock of an orange-gold chrysanthemum of tight little curls exploding all over her head. It had looked like an afro of the worst proportions. She had wept buckets all the way home.  
  
The curls didn't tumble loosely around her face and each despairing attempt to make them straighter by blow drying resulted in a dry frizz. Her family hadn't helped by laughing so much they couldn't breathe and nick-naming her 'Dandelion'. Her sister had eventually managed to make her look at least a tad presentable by cutting her hair short, practically a grade one all over. All the time she was sliding the razor over Mattie's head, Mattie could hear the strange wheezing and gulping gasps of laughter emanating from her. She had gritted her teeth as the cloud of frizz drifted to the floor and promised herself all kinds of revenge, on her family, the hairdresser, Osiris and the world in general.  
  
"Mattie, for furgling heck's sake will you come on?" ColonelSam dragged her away from Osiris.  
  
Mattie was on the point of asking whether ColonelSam knew where the theatre was, when she spotted a queue of green clad bodies, all shapes and sizes waiting patiently outside a set of double doors which had a huge number 47 painted in white on them. To her astonishment, interspersed among the green BDU's were some distinctly Tok'ra like outfits and even more astonishingly a number of students dressed in extraordinarily fancy garishly coloured clothing decorated with shiny baubles. High pointy collars, boots and wide sleeves prevailed. One girl appeared to be dressed entirely in about four strips of cloth and thigh length boots. This would have been fine had she not had rather a lot of flesh to cover. She seemed to have a permanent blush, all over, not that Mattie blamed her, and kept trying to make herself look either very small or pull the strips further over the expanse of flesh. A couple of SF's stood nearby ogling her unashamedly. Eventually one of the BDU clad students took her jacket off and gave it to her to cover her embarrassment.  
  
"Frelling Goa'uld wannabe's." Said ColonelSam in a low voice.  
  
Mattie nodded and felt relieved that her focus had always been on the military team rather than the more garishly dressed Goa'uld or boring Tok'ra. She noticed that there were also a fair number of Jaffa, one girl looked distinctly uncomfortable dressed in the grey armour. The collar of the armour which was meant for the headdress to slot into was far too high for her and only her eyes peeped out.  
  
They spotted Daniellzgurl and Chloe waving frantically at them. They were standing with a tall slender girl who had dramatically black hair cut in a twenties bob, she was dressed in a tight fitting gold and bright blue all- in-one outfit with silver high heeled boots. Mattie and ColonelSam pushed into the queue to stand with them, ignoring the protests and grumbles of the other students behind who had to shuffle back a few steps in order to make room for them.  
  
Chloe opened her mouth to introduce the other girl, but was abruptly interrupted by the doors being flung open and the familiar voice of Major Paul Davis ringing out.  
  
"Okay troops. Start filing in. In an orderly fashion preferably. Fill the front rows first, then the middle and so on and so forth."  
  
The briefing theatre was shaped like horseshoe. The seats were graduated upwards and there were three aisles running down towards the stage. The only thing at the front of the stage was a podium upon which stood a lectern with a light and a microphone. At the back of the stage behind the lectern there were three rows of seats. A large viewscreen stood to one side. Beside it was a table with an LCD projector on it. A mixture of SF's and Jaffa guards stood at intervals around the room and across the front.  
  
Mattie filed in obediently with the rest of the students and settled into one of the seats. At first there was a light chatter and muffled giggles as people shifted restlessly in their seats and craned their necks to see if they could see anyone interesting. Mattie spotted DocMcKay sitting not too far away in front of two Jaffa and the scantily dressed Goa'uld. She waved and he grinned and waved back when he saw her.  
  
Major Davis came into the theatre, spoke briefly with Kronos with a K and O'Neil with one L and then stepped over to the lectern. A breathless hush suddenly descended over the theatre. Davis tapped the microphone and spoke into it.  
  
"One, two, three, four."  
  
Someone in the audience snickered, but immediately turned it into a cough as one of the huge real Jaffa guards in the room turned around with his staff weapon and glowered at the hapless perpetrator.  
  
There was a moment's silence and then the doors on either side of the stage opened. Major Davis cleared his throat.  
  
"STAND UP!" He yelled, and the startled students all got to their feet without even thinking twice. 


End file.
